Perfect

Oh Lordy, it has been awhile. As i signed on for the first time in two years, I realized I've missed this little space. I've missed jotting down all my thoughts and dreams. What we've seen, what we've done, where we've been, and where we are gonna go. As I was reading through all my post, i realized, i published one. They were all drafts, I never clicked publish. I am a perfectionist and honestly nothing was ever perfect enough. Of course now a couple years later i realize, life is not perfect and this blog will never ever be perfect. Cali's birth story, our miscarriage, where we've been, and all we want to do- never published. I realize in the last two year so much as happened that I have nothing but my memories. Sure, I'll be able to share the memories and stories with my girls, but wouldn't this be better? 'This' as in this little space where all things are open and raw, for their eyes to read over and over. This year, my goal is to jot it all down. It not going to be perfect, it wont be correct, it will just be us. Get ready 2018, your in for a year of imperfect us.

My heart as of lately

I have found myself, having such a heavy heart. 

Sadness and fear overcome 

especially when it comes to my mini.

 I have a terrible sense of being lost.

As we become parents...

no matter what age, young, middle or old.

we always want to protect them. 

Want  nothing more than to have her in my care all the time.

 Unfortunately, we are a two income family, and that can't change. 

Now, as she gets older & bigger my power is smaller.I feel defeated. 

 The only way i can describe it; is my heart.. 

my heart is literally outside of me. 

it is prancing and dancing around in this tiny little form.

 I cant protect it all the time, and that scares me

 When she falls I cant always be there to tell her its okay. 

when someone is mean I cant shove them out of the way.

 cruelty exist in this world... 

far to much, and I can't protect her from all of it.

Of course I want to feel all of her joys and happiness. 

Honestly though, more than anything

 I want to take away all her doubts

 her fears, pain and troubles. 

but, I cant.

 I know I need to teach her to have a full heart. 

love unconditionally, and to cherish everything.

 put God, and family above all else. 

To always remember her roots. 

 That is the simple part. 

The hard part to teach her is not everyone has a full heart,

 there is a lot of evil out there.

 She is just far to young to have to figure that out..

 Teaching her that even people who are nice, can also be the evil. 

Her eyes are so innocent, yet, have seen more than I can  imagine. 

 And, I just am not ready for that...